Once upon a time I began writing about writing horror, then stopped. I guess it's about time to put an end to this 'saga'.
For me writing horror is not about expressing my own feelings, my own fears or my own experiences. Usually what I write has nothing to do with me. Or to put it more correctly, it's all about expressing the dark part of myself; the psychopath, the sociopath, the, put in simple words, insane son of a bitch hiding deep inside me.
I'm definitely not saying that if I wasn't writing I would go on killing sprees or be a criminal in any other way. However I do believe that all of us have a dark side, even the nicest of people; and for a writer, especially a horror writer, novels and stories are the best way to let that crazy bastard living inside our heads do its best, or worst.
The process of writing is enough to fuel the dark side of me with power; an idea will be born in my mind randomly, and it will slowly grow into something bigger; up until I feel it's time for it to become something real, something substantial.
But the distance between having an idea on your mind and actually putting it down on paper is extremely big. I try to get myself to write at least 2.000 words every day, but it' not always easy to do so. Sometimes I won't have the time while sometimes I'm just not capable of writing so much.
And as rewarding as accomplishing this daily goal is, it's as equally, if not more, devastating not accomplishing it. When you know you can't write all night because the next day you have to wake up early, or when you know you'll be gone from home all day, you can't help but feel awful; as if you're letting yourself down. And, in an essence, you do.
Of course when you do sit down and write for hours, the feeling of euphoria that follows is so great that it helps you forget everything else. And it's exactly this that keeps me going, when things don't go my way in terms of writing goals.
But when you write, you need to be your characters, no matter how distant or alien they may be from your own character. Whenever I write my own self disappears and I become whoever I'm writing about. This is good for the purpose of the story, making it a lot more personal, but it's devastating for me.
Because of the nature of the stories I write, I face fears I never knew I had, I face loses I, thankfully, never had to face in my real life. And yet it all feels real to me for the period I'm writing. Whether I'm the only one who does so, or if it's common practice amongst writes, I have no clue.
But this is also why drinking and smoking help during my writing outbursts; they allow my mind to loosen up even more, and hence make it easier for me to become all these characters; sometimes changing from one personality to another in just a few paragraphs.
I've written my first novel at the age of 15 and have been writing ever since I can remember. And I'm going to continue to because I can't stop. Even though sometimes it's tough, and being an author is a lonely, and sometimes depressing, occupation, it's impossible for me to decide to stop, to find something else.
For it's not about what I want to do, is what I feel was born to do(although I don't believe in destiny or anything similiar). Biologically speaking, I was born with the genes of creativity and language skill, and I don't think I can run away from my own genetics.
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